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A Humorous Look at the Bright Side of Cancer... and There Is One

February 3rd, 2014

It’s Hard To Be A Woman #11

01_03_2014_cancer_funny_balanced_woman_hashimotosAfter my disaster at the gynecologist appointment, I made an appointment with Haley, the naturopath that got me through cancer. She was—and is—my shrink, my vitamin-supplier, my right-hand woman.
“So, Marie, it’s been a long time,” Haley said.
“Yeah. I’m really hyped up again. I know you said you didn’t think I needed thyroid medicine (the last time I saw you), but I was freezing cold. All. The. Time. I couldn’t function. I went back to Joe. Remember him? He’s the naturopath that saw me before I got cancer and started coming to you. It was nothing personal. I just wanted to get a second opinion.”
She looked at me, pen poised in the air, but said nothing.
I continued my rant. “I also started taking that Balanced Woman stuff even though you told me not to. I even called TriVita—the company that sells it—to see what they thought. They said I shouldn’t take it either because of my past breast cancer history. Joe didn’t think it was a problem. I don’t know. I just want to be balanced hormonally….”
I jabbered in her ear some more. I could hear how hyper I was. Here I was, making a fool of myself two days in a row. When will this all be over? Speaking from personal experience, unfortunately, I have at least a few more weeks of this madness.
“Okay. First of all, let me see what you’re taking.”
I handed her my Balanced Woman bottle. I’m sure she looked at it, looked at me, and wrote down in her chart: “This woman is as far from balanced as you can get. Wish she would have stuck with Joe.”
She turned to me. “Well, I can see from this bottle”—she glanced over the ingredient list—“that there are several things in here that are stimulating. These herbs are probably fine for other women, but for you right now, they’re too much.”
She was very gracious. She could have stood on her chair and yelled at me, “I told you not to take that stuff! However, I did tell you to take the Cell Guardian—the natural form of Tamoxifen I was giving you—but you never listen to me. You always know better than me.”
Out loud, she advised. “Stay off the thyroid medicine. Armour extract is not standardized. You don’t really need it.”
She recommended a few more things.
Ah, it was good to be back. I hoped she could fix me.

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Marie de Haan

Marie de Haan

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