04-20-2016 - My wonderful, supportive family. Photo by random stranger

04-20-2016 – My wonderful, supportive family. Photo by random stranger

I woke up this morning at 5:30 with the song “No Longer Slaves” running through my mind. First of all, this is a fairly new song and I loved it the first time I heard it. Second of all, I’m playing it this morning in about three hours with the rest of the band at church.

This song got me to thinking about the blog post I just entered last night around midnight. “I’m afraid of bears, I’m afraid of cougars, I’m afraid of this, I’m afraid of that.” Oh yeah, I forgot sharks in that list.

It’s not like I’m making this stuff up “for dramatic purposes” either. I really am petrified of sharks. And bears. And cougars. Hm, where was I? Being a weenie, apparently.

I feel like I am having to constantly talk myself into things. “Maria, get your butt into that water here in Maui. Yes, there are sharks here, but it is beautiful and you just paid $1300 to get here with your husband.

I am afraid of cancer coming back. I am afraid of getting diabetes. I am afraid of finally succumbing one day to this dark cloud that is always hanging over me. I’m afraid of lymphedema kicking into high gear and becoming permanent because I’m playing volleyball or hiking too much (at too high of an elevation) or rototilling the garden when I shouldn’t be.

I am afraid of getting eaten by a bear. I’m afraid of getting bit on my right arm by a mosquito and having my obituary read, “We are gathered here today because a mosquito got the better of our young, dear sister in the Lord.”

Wait. “No Longer Slaves.”

Maybe I should sing this song every day and believe whole-heartedly what I am singing. God created the whole universe, surely He can take care of little old me.

Why did I title this category Life Survivorship? We say things like, “Wow, I barely made it through my 30s” or “I survived cancer.” Shouldn’t we be saying things like, “We’re celebrating our 30s, we’re anticipating our 40s, and we’re road-tripping in our 50s” instead?

All I know is, I hope I hold it together while I’m playing this song in church this morning. One of two things can happen: I could start bawling my head off or I will sing my brains out. Maybe I’ll do a little bit of both.